Green

Sometimes, I eat breakfast.

starbcks man

Trying and failing to NOT burn my tongue while I sipped at a steaming cup of Starbucks, I turned the page of the most disturbing book I've read to date! My thoughts:  engaged in the subject of 'how'? How could the killer be so numb and unfeeling? How did he manage to be so sick in the head? How was he raised? How to NOT raise children to be like him? How to keep one's self from being the victim of such madness? And I slowly unveiled answers to these questions as I finished a line, a paragraph, and flipped another page. Minutes flew past me, as I found myself slipping into a plain where time feels immeasurable.

My concentration was at its height!

But even then, I couldn't ignore the awful disturbance coming from the far right, and my thoughts were halted. My eyes subconsciously glared in the direction I heard the ruckus coming from, and my eyes landed on an obese man who looked like he was in his early 30's. The man barely fit in his suit,  straining buttons each time he heaved on his straw. And that's what the ruckus was! It was straw-sucking! And this man was sucking with his whole body of to get the last few drops of the tall macha latte he had ordered, as if consuming the few remaining molecules of his beverage were a life and death matter! Ugh! There's hardly a drop left in your cup, greedy pig! 　I mentally yelled at him, as I turned back to my book. But right when I thought I had peace again, I hear this very heavy breathing coming from said direction. I turn my focus to Mr. Annoying, and there he is, with mouth half open,  breathing loudly as if it would help his digestion. Or perhaps he had exhausted himself from all the exertion from straw-sucking! Or something!!

THEN, as if that weren't enough, he began to mumble all to himself.... loud enough for me to be distracted from the most disgusting book EVER, but not loud enough for me to comprehend the mumblings that spilled out of his mouth in a steady stream of annoyance!

I made a face. I counted to ten. Then I counted to twenty. And then I just gave up trying to read all together. Becase now, he had my full attention as he shuffled in his seat, reading aloud the book he had on his table!!!!

Quiet Starbucks time ruined!!

Can't sleep

I can feel my heart thumping in my ears and my throat is tightening up as if to hold back a fit of meaningless sobs. My eyes ache, brimming with tears, but nothing comes out. I feel like screaming, so I do. I scream loud and long, my face buried in my pillow to keep my neighbors from calling the police--given the neighborhood and all they really would!-- and I feel terribly empty after doing so.

 My heart is still beating an unsettling beat in my rib cage, and I try to quiet it by curling up like a cat, pressing a pillow against my chest and I breath deeply. Why isn't the sleeping pill working? Nothing works, these days. 

I want to go home. I miss Mom and Dad. I miss feeling warm. I'm tired of trying to numb pain and conceal hurt. Heal me! 

So many things tick me off these days. 

Let me sleep!

Sleepless mumble

I'm presently reading a book that was recommended to me that matches my mood and which has thrusted me into a world of dark secrets, crime, and uncertainty. I'm captivated, and disturbed by human nature.

I miss my boyfriend. It's been difficult to meet up with him thanks to his irregular work schedule, and honestly, I'm surprised that we're still together. Despite what the girl friends say to make me feel better about myself, I'm totally leaveable and replaceable. It's frustrating that when I finally find some nice guy that I actually like, it has to be so one-sided.  I guess I'm out of luck until I find someone that is equally fucked up as I am.

Autumn

It's finally November, and here in Japan we can now feel and see autumn all around us: the leaves are  changing to a beautiful hue of browns and reds and the air has a crispness to it that is most welcome. We ( or is it just me?) can also feel a change in our spirits: heavy, lonely, … a sense of nothingness. 

Yes, it's November. 

Today and the past few have been bad. And I know how to make it better, but I lack the strength to take any such action, so I've been in a perpetual state of being pulled downwards. Unlike other days, I'm not fighting it, and I haven't been for sometime. But I've been in worse stages of 'bad' and I'm going to pull through. Somehow. 

No man's an island and this is a good thing, most of the times. But sometimes, it's really not. Especially when one's spirit is grey, and mine is many dark shades of greys and ugly blues. So I pull away, because its contagious and ugly, and I push away because its contagious and ugly. How long will this last? How long does winter last? Well, we'll see how we are fairing by spring, won't we? 

Such thoughts and their friends play their games in my mind as I sip at alcohol. The shy bartender is purposely avoiding  eye contact with me, (apparently, I make him feel uncomfortable) and the other customers are engaging in stupid drunk-talk. I loath. I yawn. My eyes hurt from too much iPhone and stupid Facebook posts. I miss him. He's sleeping, though. 

I should too.

Goodnight.

P.S

I'll delete this. Then again, impressive iPhone-typing! Wonder exactly how many minutes it took me…  getting quite good at this!

New colors

Enjoying another three day holiday, and took the opportunity to fancy up my nails. I had recently bought a new set of gel colors which I thought would be perfect for autumn. I was right! I complimented the nail-do with an arrangement of gold stones.

Halloween 2013

When I look back on last year around this time of year when girls won't be judged for dressing up like sluts from the underworld, and everybody else can pretend to be what/who ever they like to be and also not be judged, I notice a difference in my self. Last year, I was counting seconds till the Halloween event being held at a then-favorite bar, and I remember making sure I had enough money for some cute costume that I only ended up wearing once. This year though, I felt …nothing. Sure I was happy     to see my dear friends who took time out of their schedule to see me, but it had nothing to do with halloween. Despite  my low spirits, time spent with kindred souls is precious. I enjoyed myself a lot and wish such fun times could stretch on longer. 

But if it weren't just pretend, if I could actually be somebody else even just for a period of time, I would choose to be somebody who knew how to be more optimistic and positive with a less obsessive personality. Also I'd wish for  significantly smaller boobs. 

Gloomy Autumn

The sweltering summer has finally passed, and autumn is here in Japan. I haven't been so faithful with my blogging, but I assure you, nothing much has changed in my day to day schedule or my routines. If anything were of worth to put down on this blog, it would be that I got myself an iPhone 5, and a boyfriend who is as old as the eldest of us strange Matsuokas - a fact that I try to ignore but can't whenever I meet up with Eldest--and that I'm not as crazy about nail art as I used to be a few months earlier. Oh and I go out to drink around a lot less. Oh, and that I want my own set of kids, eventually.

On a side note, I've been hitting a strange low recently. It's not unusual, but it is a depressing, lonely feeling that thickly looms over my head. Thinking about it doesn't help. And blogging  about it certainly  doesn't either! But keeping my mind focused and busy  really does, and trying to blog on my still unfamiliar iPhone seems to be doing the trick! So I've decided to pick up blogging for awhile until my heart settles down a little.

Today is one of those gloomy, wet days where if possible, one would like to just curl up in bed with a book or some good music, sip at something hot and delicious and laze the day away. But most of us aren't millionaires or married to one, so despite gloomy weather, putting bread (beer) on the table is the priority. So that's what I'm doing today.

Really, there's not much more to go on about.

Enjoying some wine at home. Check out my black nail-do! Jell, of course.

full swing

Yesterday was a mistake. 

I just couldn't seem to find my working groove. I  kept spacing out, and despite my relatively easy schedule, I kept feeling sleepy and sluggish. I looked like a mess too! I'd just slapped some cream and eyeshadow on my face with no thought to art or to beautify.... out of duty, really, and did nothing with my hair. My eyes were barely half open all day, and my smile looked as pretentious as it was. When I got home, I continued to indulge my lazy mood, got comfortable in my chair and started on the films, eating whatever I felt like for dinner. My brain was still 100% GW mode. Everything felt wrong.

And today is turning out to be nothing like the day before! Sometime between last night and this morning I was able to make the mental switch from holiday to work, and I'm feeling the difference! Teaching is fun again! I'm wearing my favorite blouse from Zara and I curled my hair all nice! It took me a day, but I'm back!

 Counting the milliseconds till my last lesson on Friday! I will celebrate with beer!

back to work

Finding my work rhythm is proving to be more difficult than I expected it to be.

 No, I can't just roll out of bed and stay in my pajamas all day, plopped in front of my laptop watching far too many episodes of Pretty Little Liars ( I cringe) with a beer in hand and an ash tray to my left, and some kind of junk-food to my far left--which used to be my general daily pattern of GW 2013! Now, I have to get up, change into clothes, put make-up on and make sure my hair is not too un-presentable, drink coffee, and go t work! And try hard to fit some time to exercise in there. And beauty school. And art practice. And laundry.  It's exhausting, but this is life. Golden Week was truly enjoyable, and I'm not going to start bickering about work just yet. It's still day 1 of work after GW, and I've got a few more to go before my next break. 

My holiday:

Thailand was great, thanks to some very accommodating friends, and its beautiful culture and delicious food. The only thing I didn't like about my trip was the plane ride other than the obvious: terribly hot, sweaty weather. I hate traveling by plane. Um, Thailand, what else? Beer, I guess. Very cheap. I drank so, so, so much over there. But then of course the drinking didn't really stop after returning to Japan. I made new friends in Thailand. I shopped. I read. I slept. I swam. It was the ideal vacation. I'm not happy it's over. I'm now counting the days till my next holiday which will be during the summer. Until then, I will try my best to undo the damage I've inflicted on my body with all the alcohol abuse, the cigarette-smoking, and lack of physical movement.

Happy Birthday!! x

I'm a terrible best friend and sister! I'll be relaxing and enjoying myself in Thailand on Bunny's 21st Birthday! I know I can't really 'make up' for my absence, but I tried anyway. I bought her a surprise present and ordered some pizza and munchies, and bought some wine to wash it all down. We had fun chatting about how different we are from a year ago, when we had just arrived in Koiwa to start a new life.

Wishing you the best year yet, sis! x

Oh, and our super younger sister sent us some lovely baked goodies!

 Ai, you rock!

white, grey, black

I've decided to take a little break from my school. I love my teachers, and I have new friends there, but I just don't feel like going back so soon after the exam. I feel like rewarding myself with nail art that I love to engage myself in, and give learning new things and stretching myself a break. 

 Acrylic art over white and silver polish.

3, 2, 1 ... Thailand!

I feel like a different person-- fresh, alive, more relaxed, less grumpy-- from a week ago when I was all up in knots about the exam! 

To make things even better, I've only got one more day of work, and then I'll be on a plane to Thailand where I plan to eat spicy food, and get myself smashed with dear friends! And to add to the holiday spirit, I did some cho- hisashiburi retail therapy at Zara! What I'm wearing in the picture is from a previous shopping spree, but of course, it's from Zara. I'll post the goodies I got yesterday a different time. 

I just felt like letting the whole world know how great I feel compared to just a short few days ago. Wait for it, Golden Week! I'll hit you soon!

beer

With a 8% alc percentage, this beer not only tastes fantastic, but gets you tipsy enough with just one! I found this treasure at Kaldie, and have been a fan ever since. It's also not so expensive either--just short of 300 yen. You should try it! 

Finished!

I took the first exam for aspiring nail technicians yesterday, and I'm just so relieved it's behind me now. I won't find out if I've passed or not till mid-May, so I know it's too early to celebrate, but who cares? I feel like 10 tons have been lifted from  my shoulders! I bought a bottle of sparkling wine and  some good food and just kicked back and enjoyed myself as soon as I got home. It was much deserved.

The exam was held at Tokyo Big Site, and was from 9:30 to 12:45. I hadn't gotten enough sleep, so despite half of my face covered in a mask, you could tell that I was completely brain dead: not the best state of mind to be in for a test. But despite the lack of sleep, lack of practice and being nervous and freezing cold, I managed to only fuck-up once, ermm.... twice. Personally, I think I could have done a lot better if I weren't so damn nervous, but regardless, I have a hunch that I passed! Anyway, the judges seemed to love the 'art' part. According to a fellow student at beauty school, I'm easily better than our teachers when it comes to acrylic art! Aww!

So, that's that. Test: finished. Check. Now, I've got just 4 days of work before I kick start my Golden Week with a trip to Thailand! I'm feeling great!

purple peacock

I did this a while back. It took me a while to get it right!

farewell party

I'm in recovery mode right now from an abusive (to health) Sunday night when I drank as if my sole purpose was to destroy my liver in one sitting. I know I've got an exam coming up and I probably should have been chained to my desk, polish and brush, but I figured that stressing too much about passing isn't going to help me pass. 

And that was my excuse to unwind and party! And conveniently, there was a farewell party going on for a dear friend last night, and so I what-the-helled it and drank and danced and drank and smoked and drank. And then drank some more.

So there's a music/darts/shot bar 3 minutes from my place and it has a pole. 

For pole dancing. 

So, naturally, dancers gather and pole dance. I was a little shocked at first when I saw some dancers practicing their routines at the bar in outfits that would barely cover what they're intended to cover, but I am used to it now, and also the concept of pole dancing doesn't make me make a face anymore either. Especially after last night, when one of my dancer friends taught me how to swirl around the pole without looking like a complete loser! It was fun. 

Explains all the bruises I had this morning.

Today, I wll:
*Drink 4L of water
*Won't drink any alcohol
*Study like a boss

EXAM! ARGH!

I've got just under two weeks till my exam, and I've been stressing quite a bit over how bad I am at nail polishing!! Believe it or not, it's much more than unscrewing a bottle of your favorite nail polish bottle, and swooshing the polish on your (or your friend's) nails! 

And don't get me started on cuticle cleaning! I must use a pair of scarry looking mini-wrench like thingie to remove loose cuticles that hinder nail art! An utter pain! While practicing the other day on my toe nails, I drew blood! Bloody difficult!

I will feel much better once I get this exam behind me, with some form of alcohol in one hand, enjoying Thailand's ridiculously hot weather! 

I must say, I'm bordering on hating the combination of red and flowers! 

little acrylic painting

When you hear women chatter on about how they want to go get their nails done at the beauty salon, cute pink nails with little ribbons and studs probably come to mind, ,especially if you're in Japan where 'cute' and 'pink' and 'ribbons' having been trending for far too long. 

Yeah, sure, it has its place and time, but 'pink' and 'cute' were never my strong points, and that's not changing any time soon! Check out this piece of art I worked on a few weeks back! Now THIS  is nail art for me!

lace love

Lace is my new thing, both for clothes and nail art. Of course, the shirt is from Zara-something I bought last year during the summer sales!

For my nails, I drew a simple lace pattern with acrylic paint over a silver coat of nail polish. And please try to ignore the awful flower on the far left. It's not supposed to be there.

exam art-flowers

These are the results of my hard work in preparation for my first nail art exam!

Drawing flowers--flowers in general, really-- have never been my thing, but I'm being forced to draw them, as that is the theme for the art part of my upcoming exam in April. Thanks to the assignment, I can cook up something quite extraordinary in just under 10 minutes. (the limit for how long we're allowed to spend on painting during the test)

best afternoon tea ever!

Probably the most luxurious (and expensive!) afternoon tea I've ever had! The fact that it was on the 28th floor meant that the view was just as awesome!

exam

Red has been my favorite color for as long as I can remember, but thanks to my upcoming nail art exam, I may start developing a phobia for the color! I need to complete several steps (removing cuticles, filing, painting, and art) in a set time, and the nail polish's color is set on red. I've already used up over half of the bottle I just opened with all the practice I've been doing, and it's driving me up the wall! I better pass the test, or I may as well just.... I dunno... die.

Blue Butterfly

Great fun, as always! 

I do think this needs a few more colors to it, but I was feeling lazy, and honestly just wanted to practice holding my tiny brushes steady, and getting used to them.

dragon nail art

 Thought I'd spice things up a bit! Black acrylic art over pale pink nail polish.

 It works just fine for me!

black and silver

Thanks, Aich, for the beautiful silver nail polish! 

Black, silver nail polish with acrylic madness with silver stones!

pedicure

silver, gold, black peacock design

 I admit it, I'm absolutely terrible with the peacock design! I find it almost impossible to create a pretty peacock design before the polish starts drying up! I spent close to 2 hours practicing this and trying to keep my hand steady!

 Frustrating, and a huge pain in the neck!

 Hope all this pays off!

Oh, and don't you just land my practice hand? 

rakuten shopping

38640 yen for this. More work/study space, and place to put all my nail art stuff! Just perfect!

AGAIN!

Happened AGAIN!! 

I like to window shop when I have a gap between classes, and Kinshicho's 'Termina' is the best place for that. So there I was, just browsing my favorite stores and admiring the bright spring colors, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to find out who the tapping hand belonged to, and an old man is in front of me.  

 'Read this later when you have time.' and walks off, leaving me with a note. 

A long forgotten memory of two years ago instantly springs to mind, and I have a general idea of what's written on the note. I quickly glance and browse the messy hand written note, and my fears were confirmed.

The note states his age, (61), that he has his own company, and is wondering if I would be interested in replacing one of his companions--who isn't around due to her family business-- for about 400~500 thousand yen a month, once a week! The note ends with his number and 'I hope to hear from you soon!'

It's gotta be the same guy from two years back. I think I recognize the paper, the general way he approached me, and the expensive way he dressed.

 Yeah, same guy. 

*rolls eyes*

blak lace

black and a silver-gold nail polish with black lace 

 painted with acrylic paint.

21-->22

The last day of being a 21 year old was a very strange one. First of all, I had work. That being said, the fact that I had to be in  my office was not the reason for the strange feeling in my gut that I still can't seem to put a finger on. Anyway, 'gut-feelings' are always difficult to pin point.... Last year was a big year, and  perhaps I was feeling a little weary. Perhaps I didn't want to turn a year older, a little hesitant as to what the future's hiding from me. Or just hung over. I don't know.

 Having a dream and a goal in life can also be a little stressful sometimes, and honestly, sometimes I just don't want to mature, to grow up, or study hard, or to be outstanding or talented! Sometimes, I just want to be the carefree, adventurous, maybe even a little ditsy 20-some-year-old that does whatever she wants; the word 'consequence' and 'responsibility' not existing in her vocabulary.

But that's just sometimes, really, and coincidentally, it just had to be on my B-day that these thoughts decided to plague me with their lethargic venom.  And fortunately, the strange gut feeling didn't last too long!

After work, Boris and I went out to our favorite Izakaya to celebrate my Birthday Eve. We had the all-you-can-drink plan, and ordered all of our favorite things on the menu. We drank and ate and talked till we couldn't anymore with no care of the next day's schedule. And stumbling home, clinging to each other for support, finding great humor in our intoxicated state, upsetting neighbors with our adorable (loud) giggling and laughter, I closed the door to another year, and with the one and only Boris.

Love that crazy little shit! Ain't she the cutest?

Thanks for putting up with this crazy 22 year old, Boris. You're the best thing in my life!

Eyelash extensions

What a lovely Birthday present! Thanks, Aich!

something different

 I'm branching out with my nail art! This was so fun to do! It was also a massive neck and back ache!

soooo pretty!

I just got lashes extensions! Thanks, Aich, for the lovely Birthday present! Putting make up on in the morning will be a breeze! Yay!

I will post pictures later, when I have time.

gold and black

News Flash: A man was stabbed on the platform of Kinshicho station yesterday!! 

So not cool, considering the fact that it's my station that I use! Somehow, the whole thing put me under the weather and I couldn't concentrate on my nail art or anything for that matter! I ended up accomplishing little, helping myself with some retail therapy, and ended the night with a (half)  bottle of red wine, and an episode of 'The Following'.

But here are some of the results of last night's practice.

You know about nail stickers right? Just stick 'em on, and they look fantastic! I used to be obsessed with those until I bought myself a paint brush and some paint!

yum

Fantastic discovery: There's a Bubba Gump and a HUB near my school!!! 

***

So, I've stopped going out to drink. That's a lie. I still go out for drinks, but significantly less than before. But that doesn't mean I don't drink at home! I allow myself to indulge in alcohol and junk food 1-2 times a week, and naturally, those days fall on the weekend when I don't have to worry about work the next day.

So, the Kaldi in my station was sampling some Australian red wine which I had sip of, naturally, and I liked what I tasted a lot. No thinking, I grabbed myself a bottle, and enjoyed it with some blue-cheese-look-alike ...cheese, some crackers, and some of the chocolate cake my sister sent me for Valentine's Day! 

I finished every drop of the 750ml bottle of wine, and got myself happily drunk. I felt great, sent a text to somebody I wouldn't have if I were sober, had a fun conversation with a friend, fell asleep in my dress, and committed the terrible crime of not washing off my make-up!! My skin paid the consequences. Stupid.

Yeah, it's called living.